letting go
The last teacher, letting go of identity
Letting go of identity is so important, it ranges from gross to subtle, and can be elusive. I had been meditating for about 20 years, had followed a couple of Gurus, studied with the Arica school for 10 years, and then first heard about identity. I had begun working with a new teacher, and she suggested I look into how I identified myself. That I was not what I thought I was. She said I was so much more than what I identified as. This was very confusing and exciting. I grabbed these ideas with my ego and felt proud and ambitious. I was going to find out who I really was, and how much more wonderful I was than I thought.
I began peeling away aspects of myself that were not who I was. At this point I was still looking for a who, not a what. I was not just a psychotherapist, or an artist, or a kind person, or smart person. These things were just pieces of myself. It was easy to let go of the negative parts of myself, letting go of the positive aspects was much harder. It seemed that the negative qualities made me suffer while the positive made me feel good. I didn’t want to stop feeling good. But reluctantly I began letting all of it go.
Understanding the Enneagram helped a lot. In that system I have the 2 enneatype. In studying this system I learned that each type described the shape of the ego patterning. Seeing beyond the type we come to our true essence, which is closer to our true nature. Yet still I was seeing this through the lens of the separate self. I, Lissa, had an essence, this essence was more me than the emotional, psychological, behavioral patterns that make up the fixation.
After a few more powerful awakening experiences, I went through a profound disillusioning process. My marriage fell apart, I had to leave the house I lived in for 14 year, left the city I lived in for 34 years. In leaving Gainesville, I left my private practice of almost 30 years, all my friends, and community. Now I began to understand letting go of identity. Who was I without all of this? I moved to Oakland CA with my daughter and son in law. They were working full time, I was trying to start a practice from scratch, without knowing anyone, or having any connections. I realized deeply that I had identified as the person I was in Gainesville, and no longer knew who I was. I was not the person that owned the beautiful glass house, who had the handsome mysterious husband, had a successful private practice, taught meditation and awakening (I certainly wasn’t awakened), taught art classes, had interesting friends, and a loving community. I peeled all that away and felt lost. This is letting go of identity.
By the time I got to CA there was little of the Lissa from Florida left. What was left got undone in CA. Starting a private practice failed. I taught a couple of Enneagram classes but they really didn’t go over well. I was a well known Enneagram teacher in Florida, but apparently my approach didn’t work across the country. Whatever was left of the psychotherapist and teacher identity couldn’t find a place. I was running out of money fast. I don’t think I ever felt so much fear. Not knowing who I was, and not able to provide for myself, was terrifying. I knew that much of my fear was unfounded but it felt real to me. I was one step away from being one of the homeless women I passed on my way to the Bart.
I was ripped open. In the Bay Area of CA there are spiritual teachers talking and giving Satsang everyday of every week. My daughter would send me a schedule of a selection of teachers we could see each week, and we would see at least 2 a week. How auspicious this was. I was ripped open, I was nobody, and I could listen to people talking about consciousness, liberation, truth, awakening, with very little ego filtering. I felt like I was being washed clean, being churned around in a washing machine. I am grateful now, but it was devastating then.
When this process was done, I moved to Asheville. I was cleaned out and ready to reenter life.
The catalyst for the CA letting go process began when I was sitting on my couch in Gainesville and had the thought “something is dreaming me.” A couple of other important shifts in perception happened around the same time. These shifts and openings brought on the unraveling of my ego identity. When I got to Asheville I was ready to integrate all that I learned in the two years prior. It was like I was put through the washing machine and now I was hanging out to dry in the sun. This part of the process was gentle. There was more cleansing to do, and I spent a great deal of time alone.
PS
An important aspect of identity is our history. I don’t think I have heard much about letting this go in the teachings that are around. We hold onto our history to explain and justify who we are now. Even this must go. What our childhood was like; what our relationship was like with our mother and father, siblings, friends, etc. Essentially the story of our life.
